There was so much hype, public relations spin and basic bullshit around the Rhianna and Chris Brown incident that I didn't really pay that much attention when it occurred. What I do remember, the first thing out of mouths of women "what did she do to make him punch her". Then there were the comments that "she must have been hitting on him for him to punch her"... And men, they shared many of the same comments. What was slow to come was a condemnation of Chris Brown's action; there was no strong stand against abusive partners. There were no women up in arms marching against his record label or pushing for a boycott. Instead there was criticism of Rhianna, speculation, and jokes. You had PDiddy, or whatever his name is, wanting them to write a book; you had Jessie Jackson wanting to counsel the couple. What you had were a bunch of publicity seekers seeking publicity. But no one addressing the issue of abuse in dating relationships. Very few called Chris Brown to task.
What happened next,Rhianna went back to him. How could she. What a bad example. Why. Does she understand the message she is sending to young women (and young men); she was telling young folks everywhere it is okay to batter and be battered...
Chris Brown in the mean time was using every available venue to let everyone know he was sorry; this was not him, he grew up witnessing this (rationalizing?). He apologized over and over and over... he sought counselling, received help and did what... apologized on YouTube...
And then, after Chris Brown completed his legal process and many months after the incident, Rhianna spoke. She put her actions of that night and what happened subsequently into perspective, brought clarity and offered no excuses for Chris Brown or herself. She owned her situation, outcomes and actions.
What she explained... here were two young people-barely out of their teen years, making more money than you and I will probably ever see and both were on top of their game. America's sweetheart couple, good looking, talented and traveling the world without parameters, without strong parental guidance, without any tangible limits. They hadn't had any (public) issues, no bad press, no reason to believe they couldn't get out of any situation unscathed. As Rhianna explained she was in love with Chris Brown and fell hard in love with him. I assume Chris Brown was in love with her as well but he allegedly had women reaching out to him for close encounters and maybe he wasn't resisting.
Then it happened, the text from another woman. After a night of fun the situation, as women we all hope never will happen, happens... there in front of your face proof, proof that something is going on. What does Rhianna do? The same thing any 20 year old deeply in love would do, grab onto the situation and confront him. What does he do? The same thing most men do, deny it, dismiss you, belittle you, blow you off. And so, the tug begins, she won't let go and he won't stop lying. At 20 years old what does she know. Not a helluva lot. So she keeps pushing and with his back against the wall Chris Brown lashes out and hits her. And he hits her more; he bites her - twice and he threatens her life. Why, who other than he really knows. And here is this 20 year old girl beat up and beat down. What does she know? Who is in her ear? What is in her heart? She goes silent. Speaking to no one. Weeks later her face healed but her psyche truly damaged she is concerned with his well being and like many battered women (and like her mother) she goes back.
Rhianna is a smart young woman; she began to truly assess and understand her situation and the impact that it has not only on her but on young women in general. And as she said to Diane Sawyer, she had to put her selfish desires and her love for Chris Brown on the side because even if he never hit her again, that her going back sent the message to young women that it is okay to be battered and abused. And, if one of them were to die or be harmed because of her actions she could not live with that. And for this insight which moves her far beyond her 20 years I stand and I applaud her. Many 20 year old women would have said that it was not their problem. Rhianna however recognized and understood that it is her problem. Her problem of being in an abusive relationship and her problem because being in the role she is in young women look to her and follow her model. I commend her for taking her role seriously. I commend her for the maturity and forthrightness that she demonstrated when responding to Diane Sawyer's questions. I commend her for exposing her greatest vulnerability in order to send the message that it is never okay to be abused. That there are no actions that justify anyone beating you and, for standing up for herself and helping other young women by example to stand up for themselves. It was reported today that calls to hotlines for young women seeking help skyrocketed after her interview was televised.
Moms, girlfriends, aunties and observers talk to the young women in your lives and let them know that their is no excuse for abuse. It will never get better and he is never so sorry that he doesn't do it again.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship you can get help by calling
Women Against Abuse Toll-free 24-hour Hotline: 1.866.723.3014.
I have great respect for Rhianna.
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