Respect For Rhianna

There was so much hype, public relations spin and basic bullshit around the Rhianna and Chris Brown incident that I didn't really pay that much attention when it occurred. What I do remember, the first thing out of mouths of women "what did she do to make him punch her". Then there were the comments that "she must have been hitting on him for him to punch her"... And men, they shared many of the same comments. What was slow to come was a condemnation of Chris Brown's action; there was no strong stand against abusive partners. There were no women up in arms marching against his record label or pushing for a boycott. Instead there was criticism of Rhianna, speculation, and jokes. You had PDiddy, or whatever his name is, wanting them to write a book; you had Jessie Jackson wanting to counsel the couple. What you had were a bunch of publicity seekers seeking publicity. But no one addressing the issue of abuse in dating relationships. Very few called Chris Brown to task.

What happened next,Rhianna went back to him. How could she. What a bad example. Why. Does she understand the message she is sending to young women (and young men); she was telling young folks everywhere it is okay to batter and be battered...

Chris Brown in the mean time was using every available venue to let everyone know he was sorry; this was not him, he grew up witnessing this (rationalizing?). He apologized over and over and over... he sought counselling, received help and did what... apologized on YouTube...

And then, after Chris Brown completed his legal process and many months after the incident, Rhianna spoke. She put her actions of that night and what happened subsequently into perspective, brought clarity and offered no excuses for Chris Brown or herself. She owned her situation, outcomes and actions.

What she explained... here were two young people-barely out of their teen years, making more money than you and I will probably ever see and both were on top of their game. America's sweetheart couple, good looking, talented and traveling the world without parameters, without strong parental guidance, without any tangible limits. They hadn't had any (public) issues, no bad press, no reason to believe they couldn't get out of any situation unscathed. As Rhianna explained she was in love with Chris Brown and fell hard in love with him. I assume Chris Brown was in love with her as well but he allegedly had women reaching out to him for close encounters and maybe he wasn't resisting.

Then it happened, the text from another woman. After a night of fun the situation, as women we all hope never will happen, happens... there in front of your face proof, proof that something is going on. What does Rhianna do? The same thing any 20 year old deeply in love would do, grab onto the situation and confront him. What does he do? The same thing most men do, deny it, dismiss you, belittle you, blow you off. And so, the tug begins, she won't let go and he won't stop lying. At 20 years old what does she know. Not a helluva lot. So she keeps pushing and with his back against the wall Chris Brown lashes out and hits her. And he hits her more; he bites her - twice and he threatens her life. Why, who other than he really knows. And here is this 20 year old girl beat up and beat down. What does she know? Who is in her ear? What is in her heart? She goes silent. Speaking to no one. Weeks later her face healed but her psyche truly damaged she is concerned with his well being and like many battered women (and like her mother) she goes back.

Rhianna is a smart young woman; she began to truly assess and understand her situation and the impact that it has not only on her but on young women in general. And as she said to Diane Sawyer, she had to put her selfish desires and her love for Chris Brown on the side because even if he never hit her again, that her going back sent the message to young women that it is okay to be battered and abused. And, if one of them were to die or be harmed because of her actions she could not live with that. And for this insight which moves her far beyond her 20 years I stand and I applaud her. Many 20 year old women would have said that it was not their problem. Rhianna however recognized and understood that it is her problem. Her problem of being in an abusive relationship and her problem because being in the role she is in young women look to her and follow her model. I commend her for taking her role seriously. I commend her for the maturity and forthrightness that she demonstrated when responding to Diane Sawyer's questions. I commend her for exposing her greatest vulnerability in order to send the message that it is never okay to be abused. That there are no actions that justify anyone beating you and, for standing up for herself and helping other young women by example to stand up for themselves. It was reported today that calls to hotlines for young women seeking help skyrocketed after her interview was televised.

Moms, girlfriends, aunties and observers talk to the young women in your lives and let them know that their is no excuse for abuse. It will never get better and he is never so sorry that he doesn't do it again.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship you can get help by calling
Women Against Abuse Toll-free 24-hour Hotline: 1.866.723.3014.
I have great respect for Rhianna.

Playing House>>>>

Okay, so yesterday while driving in my car I listened to a radio show where the topic of conversation was "if you are not serious in your relationship don't play house". Playing house was defined as allowing your "friend" to stay overnight, leave personal items such as a toothbrush, use your bathroom to shower in the morning etc. It is also defined as allowing the woman to cook in your kitchen and tidy up your home. I was really perplexed by the whole conversation. I couldn't grasp if they were encouraging quickies, one night stands,celibacy or only having sex in a committed relationship.

It seemed like there were only two options with each being at opposite ends of the spectrum the first being sexual encounters should be quick transactions with immediate departure after the act. The second option being the only time a partner should spend the night is if you are in a committed relationship. Now I am not single and can't ever remember being single but I know what sounds right and what sounds just plain crazy. This whole conversation was crazy with a captial c.

There seemed to be a belief by the men moderating the conversation that women get great pleasure from cooking in a man's kitchen and picking up his dirty socks and underwear. And, if men allow women to do this it creates great hope and sets expectations regarding the future of the relationship.

There was also the mindset that you (men), are either serious about your relationship or using her if you allow her to play maid by cooking and cleaning for you. I thought that was the biggest crock because we all know most men will let a woman do almost anything for him if it is going to make his life easier. I have many thoughts on this so many so that I don't know where to begin... First of all I don't think I know one woman that gets a charge out of cooking and cleaning for anyone. Maybe she figures if she is going to be spending time in his place she is going to straighten up to feel comfortable which sucks because if he doesn't think enough of you or himself to clean up his own place when he knows you are coming over warnings should be going off in your head "danger Mrs Robinson; danger Mrs Robinson" and warning flags should be going up all over the place... pig...selfish...inconsiderate just to name a few...

I sure as hell don't know one woman that thinks by cleaning up after a grown man she is sealing some deal for a future with some guy. Why do some men think that women are always looking for the long term relationship. Maybe just maybe women are seeking friends with benefits and in return maybe she'll cook a meal - hell she has to eat too.

Here's the wake up call brothers, women work just as hard as you do. And, women would like to come home to a house or apartment that someone has tidied up with dinner cooking in the kitchen. But what does all this mean in a relationship? First and foremost there should be open and honest communication - are you exclusive or not. If not, ladies take your cue from there, if you're just an option don't make him a priority. If you straighten up at his place does he return the favor at yours? Does he cook for you as often as you cook for him... Do you cook together?

On the other hand there are some folks that have had long standing open relationships, they have keys to each other's homes, sometimes they spend the night. They share a strong friendship and mutual respect for each other but they are not looking for marriage; it works for them. They like having their own space.

Guys sometimes a sister just wants a warm body next to hers. Doesn't mean she wants to marry you or even have a long term relationship... so, get over yourselves. Please.

So, I still don't know where this goes but I will use my moms old sayings with my own little twist...... why buy the cow if the milk is free assuming you were looking to purchase to begin with...

So if you plan to stay a minute just remember to put everything back in your bootie bag, leave before sunrise, don't plan to take a shower and never ever exchange keys.

What the Fuck!

Some days do you just feel like saying ...
go away...
get lost... and folks don't seem to get the point.
Ah, then you say...
get the fuck off my block
get the fuck out
fuck you, fuckin' a
and what happens? They get the point... they move on... they leave you alone.

What is it about the word fuck? Better yet, who came up with the fuckin' word.
It can go bad or good... What the fuck! Are you fuckin' crazy. Fuck you! Get the fuckin' message or are you fuckin' nuts... better yet... fuck this. No fuckin' way.

Get the fuck out my face...Get a fuckin' life and stop trying to live mine (ha ha that one always makes me laugh) Back the fuck up - fuck ...unfuckingbelievable..

Some of my favorite usages, Grow the fuck up!! Don't be a fuck up...

Well if you have not succumbed to using the fuck word - good for you.
If you have, don't fuckin' dwell on it...you get the fuckin' point.

Oh Well....

Obviously I am obsessed with the fuck word. I won't demean it by calling it the "F" word. I mean fuck has earned all four letters. I think what I like most about the fuckin' word is its versatility. Your standard swear words, hell-damn-shit, just don't fit everywhere.,

What packs the biggest whollop? Get out my damn face or, get the fuck out my face. Personally the latter gets me moving.

Even when you say "what the hell" it is almost polite. When you say "what the fuck" depending on where you place the emphasis it can convey many emotions.
For example: What the FUCK - pissed; What the fuck - inquisitive or even better what The fuck... surprise.

When people know they are really screwed like the plane is going down do you think they yell - what the hell or oh damn or even oh shitl... okay well maybe oh shit. But you can bet everyone is at least thinking We're fucked, oh fuck or what the fuck.

So let's take all the sexual connotations out of the word and recognize it for what the fuck it is - the best little fuckin' word in the english language.

Also did you ever notice in any foreign language you can always recognize the word fuck. It's fuckin' universal.

See ya the fuck later...

At one time or another each of us has pondered the question of whether we have influenced, impressed upon or changed the life of someone else. Have we created a legacy. I believe it is important that all of us feel that at some point in our life we helped to create a positive change in someone elses.


For the past 34 years I got up every day and went to work at the same company. I was not alone in this ritual. I worked in a company where longevity was the norm, the average tenure 21 years. But recently this company like so many others had to look at the cost of doing business and decided that in order to reduce administrative cost it was necessary to reduce the workforce. To put this into context I must state that there had been changes in our business as a result of the down turn in the economy. My company is a part of a lagging indicator industry meaning, when people loose there jobs in January our company experiences the affects in April or May. So the reduction in workforce was warranted based on declines in our customer base. The company decided that the initial reduction in workforce would be voluntary. Which speaks volumes about how they felt about us. Many companies had already taken the very draconian step of simply "letting people go". But what my company did was establish a defined criteria such as age and years of service and if you met the criteria you would qualify for "the package". While I will not go into details of the offering I will tell you that it was fair and attractive and put the decision rights regarding our future in our own hands.


Almost 800 folks qualified and for 45 days we reviewed, agonized, flip flopped and finally either opted into the offering or opted out. Some 500 plus folks opted in, of which I was one. Let me put this into perspective - represented in this total was over 100 centuries of experience, that is 10,000 years. If you started today and backtracked through 10,000 years of history it would take you to the B.C. period. This should make you go hmmm. Hmmmm because there are a couple ways this timeline can be viewed - first, one could say we really were dinosaurs; the second, one could summize that this was a lot of experience walking out the door. Personally I think it was a mix of both. We had some clunkers among us, you know folks that should have been gone years ago but kept showing up everyday and we let them stay. And then you have those folks that over the years expended the effort to become expert in their field and developed a strong understanding of processes applied throughout the company. The latter group will be missed, for a time, and then that too will pass.


As I counted down to the last day of my employment in a company where great friendships were formed, partnerships developed and successes experienced I started to question if I really had made a difference in the company and in the lives of the folks I worked with, worked for, and managed. Had I created a legacy. Today, I along with many many others got our answers to these questions. YES we did make a difference. How do we know, because people told us.

Today, the day of my retirement, was one of the best days of my life. Today people told me and many of my fellow retirees that we did make a difference in their lives. Some influences were easily recognized and other actions, seemingly insignificant at the time, were more important than I ever could have imagined. For instance, there was an associate that had lost a son to a senseless act of violence. When she returned to work it was a challenge for her to get through each day. One day during this time our team was in a meeting and a film clip being shown triggered memories of her son. While I did not know exactly what was going on at the time I sensed a complete change in her demeanor. I walked over and just leaned in and whispered in her ear asking if everything was okay, did she need to step out and then I gave her the slightest hug. She told me today that action, which to me was just a mere courtesy, meant the world to her and made it easier for her to come to work. I listened as folks told stories one after another of how one soon to be retiree had helped them earn a promotion, encouraged them to take on a challenge or in some cases just told them to get their act together so they could continue to provide for their family. I cannot fully express how good this made me and my fellow retirees feel.

So, as we took our walk down the glorious blue mile with our heads high and our backs straight feeling proud of all we had accomplished; with our co-workers, peers and staff cheering for us, clapping for us and wishing us well we felt good. We felt loved. We felt honored.

As we turned at the door to take our final look it was clear we had created a legacy.

Thank you for giving us a very special day and letting us know we did make a difference.

Land of Broken Toys

How do we fix our broken children. How do we add back the missing ingredients like remorse, accountability and respect to the values that help mold us as children and guide us as adults. I watch a news story on television as they discuss how a group of kids beat a young high school student to death. The reason? No reason. They beat him with two by fours, kicked him and stomped him. Why? Because they could. Because no one tried to stop them. Because other kids stood by, some cheering them on, and watched, and shot videos. Thankfully one witness thought enough to give a copy to the police and as a result most if not all of the assailants have been captured. Now what are the next steps. My first inclination; strap them down and beat them to death. But that is the anger and emotion speaking and makes me no better than the thugs that perpertrated this crime. What I would like to see is justice. I would like to see these "tough guys" stand trial and hear a jury pronounce them guilty and hear a judge sentence them to death, not life without parole but death; perhaps by lethal injection so they can feel the coldness of the lethal mix of drugs coursing through their veins as they know this is their end.

written 10/4/2009

Live like there is no tomorrow

Is it [bad] luck or destiny. Are some folks luckier than others? The two recent airplane incidents would have you think so. In one, every passenger walked away unharmed and in the second, everyone perished as well as one person on the ground. Is it possible that GOD was calling all of the 50 victims of flight 3407 back at once and when Scully landed his large plane on the Hudson not one person's ticket was up. Was it that folks on 3407 would reach and teach more folks with their dying and, that the Hudson passengers still have a mark to make or someone to reach and need more time.
If nothing else it crystallizes for us the fact that nothing is promised. And therefore we should treat each moment, each interaction, each day, each person as if it is the last thing that we will do. Don't assume that you can apologize tomorrow for the argument today or, that you will have another day to right your wrong. That you will tell your loved ones that you love them the next time you see them. Leave with them what you want them to hold as a memory of you.
There will never be a "right" time to take that risk or make that change that you have been mulling over in your mind. Don't leave your legacy in the "planned" column. I planned to start a business, I planned to get married, I planned to have children, I planned to give back to the community. Start today replacing the planning with action. And the actions don't have to be grand, life changing actions. It can be as simple as telling your partner that you love them, hugging your kids, letting someone know their mistake will not bring life as we know it to a halt.
As my daughter says "funny thing about life, no one gets out alive" just make sure that when you "get out" that you have left a good mark and even better memories.

Say it loud....

Have we diluted our kid's understanding of their heritage to the point that they no longer know their black or, more specifically, they no longer like being black? Is being black not mystical enough. Why if you have hair that is not kinky or, you have eyes that are a color other than brown, if your nose is straight and narrow or your eyes have a little upward slant the first thing people ask you is "what are you "mixed" with"? Why can't we just be black. What is the novelty of being "mixed", is it because our president is "mixed". If your momma's black, you're black. If your papa's black you're black. What happened to our battle cry of the 60's and the 70's, say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud. We had finally gotten over trying to connect with that great great grandmother that was a quarter part Cherokee Indian and claimed our black heritage.
What do today's kids say.... Say it loud I'm mixed and I'm proud - more like I'm all mixed up. Remember when we all wanted to be Nubian Queens, we wore the little gold charm around our necks. And, we all bought that high back wicker chair that sat in front of our black light posters. We wore our hair natural, no weaves just our natural hair. We tried our darnedest to connect with our roots... yeah remember Roots with Kizzie and Kunta Kinte.We couldn't get enough of being black. And then, somewhere along the way we swerved. Our girls started up talking - like ya know OMG, Valley Girls... boys started skateboarding and everyone became - dude. And somehow our kids started identifying more with genX instead of being black.
At this point in time when we have seen something that some of us never thought we would see in our lifetime, a black president, nobody wants to be black, or at least 100% black.
Well try this, take a pallet of water colors and mix all the colors together, know what you end up with.... black.

So guess what ya'll, no matter what you want to be, bottom line is ... you're black. So.... say it loud
I AM BLACK AND I AM PROUD.

Embrace your race, touch your roots, and like what you are....

Peace,
One Proud Black Sister...