What I Want

What I want is the day to come when someone asks me what do I want.

What do I want to see at the movies.

What do I want for my birthday.

What do I want to do for vacation.

What do I want to be called.

What do I want to be paid.

What do I want from you.

I want someone to ask me what do i want and then....
they give it to me....

I struggle with friendships, always have, even as a child. I have never placed my finger on the issue. I am sure that in order to do that I would be paying someone handsomely to listen to me for an hour a week while I end up self diagnosing. Trust me I respect therapist. I have engaged in therapy in the past usually to deal with singular issues never allowing the total relationship/friendship thing to be explored and dissected. So when I look back at the early years like elementary school I recognize that I was the one black little girl in my class until the 4th grade. I think that is when Diana P showed up. Prior to that I was the token little black girl invited to a few parties never sleep overs. I remember going to overnight camp and being made fun of and, during those early years never forming real or lasting friendships. In the meantime all the other kids in my neighborhood were attending the public school. By the time i joined them in 7th grade entering junior high the cliques had been formed and in essence "tick tock the group is locked and nobody else can play". And while I made friends I can only name one person from 7th grade through 12th that I have kept in touch with (pre Facebook) and that is Michael L. We speak by phone or email on holidays and birthdays and try to see each other if we are in the same area at the same time. But I do not have the types of friendships that I see my daughters having... kids they have been friends with since 1st grade or 7th grade. They share life events marriages, children, divorces, affairs, highs and lows. I kind of envy this but I recognize going to a different school with kids I would really never socialize with while everyone else in my neighborhood went to the same public school had some level of impact. Joining in after cliques have been formed and solidified is not the only reason that i do not have a lot of friends, especially girl friends. Girlfriends,are a lot of damn work. They are emotional, they are moody, they are sensitive and they can be needy. I do have friends, there is Hafi who I have known for over 20 years and while we do not speak often she knows I would be there for her and she for me. And then there's, there's ummmm well anyway i do have girlfriends, oh yea there is Renea and my sisters and my daughters (we can be friends now that they are grown). I have a new friend, Terri, and I Have FaceBook Friends - two hundred and three of 'em. I have my current husband he's my friend. My first husband however did not help in this regard. He was abusive and a big part of his abuse was mental and emotional. He went after my self esteem and confidence and tore them down. He isolated me and kept me away from family and friends. He intimidated those that dared to challenge his boundaries and I found myself seeking out their support less and less. I really and honestly thought that by distancing myself from them that I was protecting them (my friends) from him. I was also placing myself on an island that would be very difficult from which to be rescued. So, now I consciously work on relationships. I really try to build them and sustain them but it is work and it takes trust. And trust is hard especially when some "friends" have done more harm in your life than any enemy. Lasting friendships are to be treasured. If you have one or some guard them fiercely and nurture them always.

The Relationship Blister

Okay so I have come to the conclusion that female relationships, whether they are between sisters, girlfriends, moms and daughters or co-workers, are like blisters. Think about it. A blister is caused by friction between two elements rubbing together; usually it is something like the heel of your foot and the back of your shoe rubbing against each other or, your hand and a shovel. Once the blister is formed a protective fluid builds over the tender area and the skin expands, it bubbles up and if you are patient it dries up and the skin underneath is just like new. If you are not patient and you burst it, the area becomes even more tender then hard and brittle and always keeps a little callous over the area....

So how does this compare to female relationships? You have your friendship or relationship and you have words,probably meaningless to most other folks, but enough to create "friction" in your relationship. The next thing you know you are both filling up with emotion. Now this is where it gets tricky. What do you do? Do you exercise patience and give yourselves an opportunity to heal. Like the blister you let the relationship heal while it remains protected under the emotion bubble. In the relationship this equates to letting the dust settle and the emotions becoming a little less raw before having another conversation or, broaching the subject again. The tenderness however reminds you of the relationship and how fragile sometimes relationships can be. Hopefully it is also enough to keep you mindful that the relationship is there and you want to preserve it. When you don't exercise patience and force a conversation that perhaps the other party isn't yet ready for it is like bursting the blister. The sensitive topic is pricked before parties are ready for discussion the emotion is drained out but not necessarily in a positive way and, as a result, the relationship is left with a bit of a scar and perhaps a bit of a callous. Leaving it changed and maybe even for a period of time a bit uncomfortable.

So, as with blisters female relationships sometimes need protective measures. Runners use something called Easy Glide you rub it on the sensitive areas of the foot before putting on your socks and it eases the friction as you run. In your relationship Easy Glide can be synonymous with tact. We sometimes take our longstanding relationships for granted and figure we can say anything and our friend, sister, mom or daughter will "get over it" after all you are just being direct. But don't underestimate the power of tact or putting on a little easy glide every now and then. Just because they are your best friend, mom or sister doesn't mean that their feelings don't sometimes get hurt.

All relationships take work, female relationships take lots of work. So don't forget to use your easy glide from time to time.

Do not make someone a priority that only makes you an option

Are you that friend that drops everything to help someone in need? Are you the one that gets the call at 2 a.m. from the friend saying they need a ride home or, they have a flat... and you get out of your warm bed to go help. Maybe you are the one that gets the call from your friend complaining about their spouse or partner and oh, the drama... so much drama. But you listen, you are there for them, always. You would give the shirt off your back or your new dress (with the tags still on it) out your closet so they can look hot for their date. Or better yet, maybe you are the school volunteer that there is never a full time paying position for, but always a volunteer opportunity and, they even call you when you are on vacation because they just need a "minute" of your time.

And then......
Good friend that you are ...when you call them, maybe needing a shoulder or just someone to listen or that ride because your car broke down, you get the response that "they'll get back to you" or, "I'm in the middle of something but I have a few minutes" or even, "did you call so and so maybe they can pick you up - I don't have any gas".

Well if this describes you, I pose the question: Why are you making someone a priority that only makes you an option?

There are those of us who are natural givers. And, there are those of us that are natural takers that give nothing in return (y'all probably don't recognize yourselves but I think you know who you are).

To you, the good friend, the one that will do anything for anyone, give that last dollar or the shirt off your back it is time for you to exercise your options. I am not saying go against your nature of being a giving and nurturing individual, I am saying don't allow your energy to be drained by those that don't give anything in return. You are so dependable and predictable that your friends always know what to expect... that you will be there.

If it does not feel good at the end of the day . Change it. Don't be someone else's option. Re-establish your priorities.

Make those a priority that treat you as if you are a priority.