Taking Care of Our Own

I haven't seen the Blindside but I will and, I am sure I will enjoy it. It is a great (based on truth) story. I really like Sandra Bullock and everyone that has seen the movie has walked away feeling good.

But, yes this is the other foot falling, why do we always see movies about disadvantaged black youth being rescued by white families. Have you noticed? And now with the earthquake in Haiti every time I turn on the news I see these little Haitian children in the arms of white families that have adopted them. It raised for me the question, do black families rescue white children. Do black families rescue our own black youth. Do we adopt children from devastated countries. I found this very interesting blog giving a first hand account of a black family's experience as they went through the process of adopting a little white girl, http://www.thisisnow.org/2008/01/white-kid-black-family-transracial.html. It speaks directly to why you don't see these stories publicized.

Even though there has been a significant increase in "transracial adoption" the statistics clearly reflect a one-sided process. White families adopting non-white children is in the thousands while black families adopting non-black children is virtually non-existent. Maybe part of this is cultural; black folks don't feel the need to exercise their liberalism by adopting non-black children especially when their are so many little black children that need homes. However, make no mistake, a large part of it is racism. White women can have children of any race and it is never questioned; a black woman with a non-black child is automatically assumed to be the child's nanny or care-taker. And, white folks make no bones about their discomfort when they see a little white girl with a black man, ask Mark Riding who along with his wife adopted a little white girl. Mr Riding has been followed out the mall, been questioned directly as to why he is with her (his white daughter) and had the little girl questioned in front of his wife by concerned white folks directly asking "are you okay" (http://www.newsweek.com/id/194886).

"No country in the world has made more progress toward combating overt racism than [the United States]," says David Schneider, a Rice University psychologist and the author of "The Psychology of Stereotyping." "But the most popular stereotype of black people is still that they're violent. And for a lot of people, not even racist people, the sight of a white child with a black parent just sets off alarm signals."

It's not just white folks that have issues with blacks adopting non-black babies. Some of the harshest criticism comes from directly within the black community. When Dallas Cowboys All-Pro linebacker DeMarcus Ware and his wife, Taniqua adopted a non-black baby they were criticized for ignoring the need of children in their own community. Some went so far to tag the couple who had experienced several miscarriages as "self-race-hating" individuals. The Ware's baby is Hispanic. Racism on this issue is not reserved for white folks.

This brings me back to the second question,do black families adopt black children and, if not why not. Adoption is expensive; a public agency adoption will have a minimum of $1,500 in court cost an adopting family/individual should expect to spend no less than $10,000 going through the process. A lot of black folks just can't afford it. And then, reality sets in.

Black families have been rescuing our youth for decades. It takes the form of grandmothers taking in their grandchildren because their children aren't raising them. Aunts and uncles taking in the children of their sisters and brothers and, there are even "play aunts" taking in a friend's child all in an effort to provide a stable home. These assumptions of parental responsibility are not done through the adoption process. Of the 2 million black children in the United States living without a biological parent in the home 80% are in informal arrangements(www.NABSW.org). The black culture has always been to take care of our own and, it has always been for the most part an informal process.

So there are no movies, there are no breaking news stories at 6. This is our culture. It is what we do.

Parting Question: What effort is being made to find out if the children being shipped out of Haiti to adoptive families have families here who are willing to take them in....

What does this mean...

Genocide: The deliberate and systematic destruction of a racial, political or cultural group.

Recently on my way to class I picked up the Michael Baisden show on the radio. His topic of the day, "Why are there so many single black women?". The conversation made me so mad I wanted to spit. According to Mr. Baisden black women are single because they set their expectations too high, they aren't willing to submit and shelve their dreams and desires for a man and, they are too narrow in scope when considering potential husbands (translated they need to consider dating non black men).

After hearing this I came home and began reviewing the stats. I know black women who are single and would like to be in a committed relationship, be married and raise a family. I have three daughters one is married and two (between the ages of 27 and 32)are single. I have experienced their issues.

So, back to the stats. Black women outnumber black men 12 to 1. This is right out the box, no adjustments. Then deduct from the black male population 8% that are incarcerated, 17% that are unemployed and the 21% that do not have even a high school diploma. It makes for a bleak picture. The 12 to 1 ratio is more like 18 to 1 and, I will not even make an adjustment for the percentage of black men who do not even date black women (Tiger), let alone marry them. Accordingly,inter-racial marriage (black women to non black men) has doubled in the past 10 years. And looking at the above stats this number is likely to double yet again in the coming 10years.

What does this mean?
Currently 42% of black women in the United States have never been married. This is twice the number of white women in this country.

Again,I ask you, what does this mean?
It means that of women holding a bachelor's degree or greater 70% are single. It means the women that are well positioned financially, with strong educational backgrounds are,for the most part,going childless. While some are deciding to have a biological child on their own; some are adopting and many are choosing not to have children if they are not married.

Again, what does this mean.
It is very simple,if black women are not having black babies the black race will decline. Are we experiencing a deliberate and systematic destruction of the black family. Are we in the throes of genocide and we don't even recognize it?

Let's take the issue of being single off the black woman's back because she refuses to "settle" by lowering her expectation of a life mate. Let's peel back the skin on this onion and stop suggesting the problem with black women is that they are too narrow in their beliefs and need to stop whining and date other than black men if they really want to be married. Maybe we should start talking about partnership and stop talking about submission.

Maybe we need to find out what is going on with our black men and get them on the right path. Get the young black men through high school, get them into college, while keeping them out of jail.

Here is the definition of genocide: the deliberate and systematic destruction of a racial, political or cultural group. Understanding this definition we need to pay attention to what is going on here and view this as the societal issue that it is and recognize the long-term implications of having so many single black women in this country.

What do you think?

Playing House>>>>

Okay, so yesterday while driving in my car I listened to a radio show where the topic of conversation was "if you are not serious in your relationship don't play house". Playing house was defined as allowing your "friend" to stay overnight, leave personal items such as a toothbrush, use your bathroom to shower in the morning etc. It is also defined as allowing the woman to cook in your kitchen and tidy up your home. I was really perplexed by the whole conversation. I couldn't grasp if they were encouraging quickies, one night stands,celibacy or only having sex in a committed relationship.

It seemed like there were only two options with each being at opposite ends of the spectrum the first being sexual encounters should be quick transactions with immediate departure after the act. The second option being the only time a partner should spend the night is if you are in a committed relationship. Now I am not single and can't ever remember being single but I know what sounds right and what sounds just plain crazy. This whole conversation was crazy with a captial c.

There seemed to be a belief by the men moderating the conversation that women get great pleasure from cooking in a man's kitchen and picking up his dirty socks and underwear. And, if men allow women to do this it creates great hope and sets expectations regarding the future of the relationship.

There was also the mindset that you (men), are either serious about your relationship or using her if you allow her to play maid by cooking and cleaning for you. I thought that was the biggest crock because we all know most men will let a woman do almost anything for him if it is going to make his life easier. I have many thoughts on this so many so that I don't know where to begin... First of all I don't think I know one woman that gets a charge out of cooking and cleaning for anyone. Maybe she figures if she is going to be spending time in his place she is going to straighten up to feel comfortable which sucks because if he doesn't think enough of you or himself to clean up his own place when he knows you are coming over warnings should be going off in your head "danger Mrs Robinson; danger Mrs Robinson" and warning flags should be going up all over the place... pig...selfish...inconsiderate just to name a few...

I sure as hell don't know one woman that thinks by cleaning up after a grown man she is sealing some deal for a future with some guy. Why do some men think that women are always looking for the long term relationship. Maybe just maybe women are seeking friends with benefits and in return maybe she'll cook a meal - hell she has to eat too.

Here's the wake up call brothers, women work just as hard as you do. And, women would like to come home to a house or apartment that someone has tidied up with dinner cooking in the kitchen. But what does all this mean in a relationship? First and foremost there should be open and honest communication - are you exclusive or not. If not, ladies take your cue from there, if you're just an option don't make him a priority. If you straighten up at his place does he return the favor at yours? Does he cook for you as often as you cook for him... Do you cook together?

On the other hand there are some folks that have had long standing open relationships, they have keys to each other's homes, sometimes they spend the night. They share a strong friendship and mutual respect for each other but they are not looking for marriage; it works for them. They like having their own space.

Guys sometimes a sister just wants a warm body next to hers. Doesn't mean she wants to marry you or even have a long term relationship... so, get over yourselves. Please.

So, I still don't know where this goes but I will use my moms old sayings with my own little twist...... why buy the cow if the milk is free assuming you were looking to purchase to begin with...

So if you plan to stay a minute just remember to put everything back in your bootie bag, leave before sunrise, don't plan to take a shower and never ever exchange keys.