I struggle with friendships, always have, even as a child. I have never placed my finger on the issue. I am sure that in order to do that I would be paying someone handsomely to listen to me for an hour a week while I end up self diagnosing. Trust me I respect therapist. I have engaged in therapy in the past usually to deal with singular issues never allowing the total relationship/friendship thing to be explored and dissected. So when I look back at the early years like elementary school I recognize that I was the one black little girl in my class until the 4th grade. I think that is when Diana P showed up. Prior to that I was the token little black girl invited to a few parties never sleep overs. I remember going to overnight camp and being made fun of and, during those early years never forming real or lasting friendships. In the meantime all the other kids in my neighborhood were attending the public school. By the time i joined them in 7th grade entering junior high the cliques had been formed and in essence "tick tock the group is locked and nobody else can play". And while I made friends I can only name one person from 7th grade through 12th that I have kept in touch with (pre Facebook) and that is Michael L. We speak by phone or email on holidays and birthdays and try to see each other if we are in the same area at the same time. But I do not have the types of friendships that I see my daughters having... kids they have been friends with since 1st grade or 7th grade. They share life events marriages, children, divorces, affairs, highs and lows. I kind of envy this but I recognize going to a different school with kids I would really never socialize with while everyone else in my neighborhood went to the same public school had some level of impact. Joining in after cliques have been formed and solidified is not the only reason that i do not have a lot of friends, especially girl friends. Girlfriends,are a lot of damn work. They are emotional, they are moody, they are sensitive and they can be needy. I do have friends, there is Hafi who I have known for over 20 years and while we do not speak often she knows I would be there for her and she for me. And then there's, there's ummmm well anyway i do have girlfriends, oh yea there is Renea and my sisters and my daughters (we can be friends now that they are grown). I have a new friend, Terri, and I Have FaceBook Friends - two hundred and three of 'em. I have my current husband he's my friend. My first husband however did not help in this regard. He was abusive and a big part of his abuse was mental and emotional. He went after my self esteem and confidence and tore them down. He isolated me and kept me away from family and friends. He intimidated those that dared to challenge his boundaries and I found myself seeking out their support less and less. I really and honestly thought that by distancing myself from them that I was protecting them (my friends) from him. I was also placing myself on an island that would be very difficult from which to be rescued. So, now I consciously work on relationships. I really try to build them and sustain them but it is work and it takes trust. And trust is hard especially when some "friends" have done more harm in your life than any enemy. Lasting friendships are to be treasured. If you have one or some guard them fiercely and nurture them always.