The Weight of it All

Ever since I heard the verdict in the Trayvon Martin case there has been a heaviness weighing on me which is almost  inexplicable.

I have never had an event not directly related to me or my family affect me this way.  I have read the commentary, listened to the comments and the rhetoric and it was one article written by a 16 year old Jmar Reid  that asked the question that hit home.  Jmar asked "fight or flight" does it work for me. And for the first time in my 57 years I realized i do not feel safe.  I do not feel should harm come to me or a family member or friend that justice would be served. If the jury identifies with you or the victim you may stand a chance at having justice served but if you have the misfortune of being a person of color those chances are slimmer and slimmer.

The full realization that someone could follow me or my children or my grandchildren, and decide in their own (sick)  mind that we are a threat and shoot us dead in the street and it would be okay scares me. In reality they don't even have to be following me, maybe they don't feel safe because I walked into their store just before closing or, maybe it is just the two of us on the elevator or in a parking lot and they feel threatened.  Right now I feel like they could shoot me and it would be okay because 6 women in the state of Florida decided that stalking and taunting or groundless fears for ones safety are grounds for a murderer to claim self defense and shoot an unarmed kid or maybe a woman or maybe an old man.  Such a verdict gives free reign to those that did not carry through on their thoughts and desires to shoot first and lie later only because they feared the law or, the justice system.  Six women decided that if you are the only one left standing with no clear witnesses then you can get away with murder. But I think this only works if the person left standing is white.

There are statements and assumptions and personal biases that juror B37 made and asserted in a publicized interview that make me sick to my stomach every time I hear them... White witnesses are credible, black witnesses are not.  She identifies with the murderer calling him by his first name and states "his (the murder's) heart was in the right place".  What the hell does that mean his heart was in the right place. The right place to do what contrive a situation that would allow him to shoot an unarmed kid. She went on to state that "he got ahead of himself"  doesn't that sound like murder without malice and, isn't murder without malice the second piece of criteria needed - after a dead victim- to convict someone of manslaughter.  It just makes me so angry that this juror now sums up her reasoning to be more or less, "that boy" her reference to Trayvon, is dead and nothing can bring him back so, why mess up this man's life. After all he is an upstanding white man who has only shot a black kid.  And oh,   they (Rachel and Trayvon's ) are products of their environment and can't help what they are.  The murderer is from decent people...  Mind you Trayvon's father and fiancé lived in the same neighborhood as the murderer... so what environment.

I am just so frustrated and there is so much inside of me. It irks me that at this point in time folks want to ignore the fact that racism is rampant in this country.  That justice is served based on the color of your skin and not the facts of your crime.  I have to ask,  like Jmar Reid, what is the worth of a black boy or black man's life in this country.  What is the worth of a Black Person in America...

This will be continued.

1.  http://tv.msnbc.com/2013/07/19/a-16-year-old-asks-just-how-worthless-is-a-kids-life/)

A Broken System

How broken is the justice system.

There is evidence that it is very broken.

The evidence is chronicled by certain stories which have caught the eye of the media and get followed from beginning to end; among them we have  O.J., Casey Anthony, Kelly Soo Park, George Zimmerman all of whom were acquitted of murder. Then, we have the not so publicized 142 individuals found guilty of murder and later exonerated inclusive of eighteen people proven innocent and exonerated as a result of DNA testing. These 18 served their sentences on death row in 11 different states in the United States. They served combined sentences of 229 years for crimes they did not commit.

 So again I ask how broken is the justice system.

Very broken.

 As a citizen of the United States you are entitled to being judged by a "jury of your peers". I ask however, how often does that actually occur. We have seen people of color have juries that are all white, women tried and the jury is all male, poor individuals with a 6th grade education judged by college educated professionals. And, while the jury is supposed to represent peers of the defendant and plaintiff how does a black 17year old and white 28 year old get represented by 6 middle aged women. What peer group is this. The jury selection process in itself is a joke - lawyers strike those that they feel will harm their chances of a win, not necessarily those that will weigh the facts and make sound decisions.

 So now that you have your jury let's look at their  process. We take these folks, some educated and some not; some biased and some not; some that are leaders and persuasive and intimidating and many more that are not and we throw them together. These folks are required to put in a full day's work; sometimes for days, weeks or months. They listen to voluminous amounts of information and view many exhibits. They listen to testimony after testimony. They listen to lawyers for hours on end. Sometimes the lawyers even slip in their own twists on events and situations that somehow go uncontested. And,somehow those slipped in statements become part of the story and are viewed as facts.

Lastly, consider that the average reading level for a United States citizen is grade 8 and then consider this group of lay people is given pages and pages - 18, 22 and more of "jury instructions". The "instructions" are written in legal language that the lawyers and judge cannot even break down into lay person's terms without feeling like they would be leading the jurors and then expose a guilty verdict to an appeal.  The jury is then sent into a room to determine the guilt or innocence of rapists, embezzlers, murderers, child molesters and more. And, at the end of the day regardless of the instructions and the testimonies and the exhibits it comes down to the personal biases and beliefs of those in the room. And in addition to that it comes down to the strongest personalities in the jury room and what they think and quite frankly the outcome they desire.

If you were falsely accused or, if you were seeking justice for yourself or a loved one, is this the process you want followed to determine who walks free or, who goes to jail or gets the death penalty. So I ask you to consider again, how broken is this justice system. When a juror after, finding a defendant not guilty of manslaughter describes in an interview her reasoning and quite frankly it fits like a hand in a glove for manslaughter definition.

 If we want justice, we have to fix the justice system. Because the system is broken, very very broken.

What I Want

What I want is the day to come when someone asks me what do I want.

What do I want to see at the movies.

What do I want for my birthday.

What do I want to do for vacation.

What do I want to be called.

What do I want to be paid.

What do I want from you.

I want someone to ask me what do i want and then....
they give it to me....

I struggle with friendships, always have, even as a child. I have never placed my finger on the issue. I am sure that in order to do that I would be paying someone handsomely to listen to me for an hour a week while I end up self diagnosing. Trust me I respect therapist. I have engaged in therapy in the past usually to deal with singular issues never allowing the total relationship/friendship thing to be explored and dissected. So when I look back at the early years like elementary school I recognize that I was the one black little girl in my class until the 4th grade. I think that is when Diana P showed up. Prior to that I was the token little black girl invited to a few parties never sleep overs. I remember going to overnight camp and being made fun of and, during those early years never forming real or lasting friendships. In the meantime all the other kids in my neighborhood were attending the public school. By the time i joined them in 7th grade entering junior high the cliques had been formed and in essence "tick tock the group is locked and nobody else can play". And while I made friends I can only name one person from 7th grade through 12th that I have kept in touch with (pre Facebook) and that is Michael L. We speak by phone or email on holidays and birthdays and try to see each other if we are in the same area at the same time. But I do not have the types of friendships that I see my daughters having... kids they have been friends with since 1st grade or 7th grade. They share life events marriages, children, divorces, affairs, highs and lows. I kind of envy this but I recognize going to a different school with kids I would really never socialize with while everyone else in my neighborhood went to the same public school had some level of impact. Joining in after cliques have been formed and solidified is not the only reason that i do not have a lot of friends, especially girl friends. Girlfriends,are a lot of damn work. They are emotional, they are moody, they are sensitive and they can be needy. I do have friends, there is Hafi who I have known for over 20 years and while we do not speak often she knows I would be there for her and she for me. And then there's, there's ummmm well anyway i do have girlfriends, oh yea there is Renea and my sisters and my daughters (we can be friends now that they are grown). I have a new friend, Terri, and I Have FaceBook Friends - two hundred and three of 'em. I have my current husband he's my friend. My first husband however did not help in this regard. He was abusive and a big part of his abuse was mental and emotional. He went after my self esteem and confidence and tore them down. He isolated me and kept me away from family and friends. He intimidated those that dared to challenge his boundaries and I found myself seeking out their support less and less. I really and honestly thought that by distancing myself from them that I was protecting them (my friends) from him. I was also placing myself on an island that would be very difficult from which to be rescued. So, now I consciously work on relationships. I really try to build them and sustain them but it is work and it takes trust. And trust is hard especially when some "friends" have done more harm in your life than any enemy. Lasting friendships are to be treasured. If you have one or some guard them fiercely and nurture them always.

On March 27,2012 I wrote a blog entitled "What If" it was in reference to the shooting of an unarmed black teenager murdered in a gated community in Sanford Florida where he was staying with his father. Trayvon Martin,17 years old was murdered by George Zimmerman then 28. Zimmerman was the neighborhood town watch organizer. He packed a concealed 9mm semi automatic weapon. He shot Trayvon once in the chest at point blank range in self defense. Trayvon was armed with a can of iced tea and a bag of skittles candy. Fast Forward... July 2013. The Zimmerman murder trial has gone on for two weeks. The case is turned over to the jury comprised of 6 women - 5 white and one of color. They deliberate for 16 hours and on Saturday July 13,2013 they find George Zimmerman not guilty of 2nd degree murder and not guilty of manslaughter. They validate, by their verdict, that George Zimmerman was completely justified in shooting an unarmed black teenager walking in his own development after Zimmerman followed him in his car and on foot assuming he did not belong there. Assuming that he was there to burglarize a home. Assuming it was his responsibility to put a stop to his (Trayvon's) kind always getting away. Second degree murder requires that you understand without doubt that the murderer had intent, a depraved mind. Manslaughter on the other hand is "the unjustifiable, inexcusable, and intentional killing of a human being without deliberation, premeditation, and malice. The unlawful killing of a human being without any deliberation, which may be involuntary, in the commission of a lawful act without due caution and circumspection.Manslaughter is a distinct crime and is not considered a lesser degree of murder. The essential distinction between the two offenses is that malice aforethought must be present for murder, whereas it must be absent for manslaughter. Manslaughter is not as serious a crime as murder. On the other hand, it is not a justifiable or excusable killing for which little or no punishment is imposed."1 Understanding this definition why is it that 6 "well educated" as defined by the media, women could not find Zimmerman guilty of manslaughter. Do they honestly believe a 17 year old black teenager being followed by a "creepy cracker" did not fight for his life when accosted. Does Trayvon fighting for his life (a fight he lost) then become Zimmerman's claim to self defense. There are so many factors around this trial that speak to what the media and society in general deem to be credible and represent truth and honesty. There was so much credibility given to Zimmerman's witness Jonathan Good, white, educated, middle class who said he saw Trayon on top striking downward in a mixed martial arts (mma) form. Trayvon never engaged in mixed martial arts; Zimmerman trained in mixed martial arts and, his training in this fighting style was reported by him when completing his medical history. The media and talking heads kept saying how he had no bias in the case.... really, was that their assumption? How do they know. They accepted on face value he had no reason to lie because of what he looked like and where he came from. They unquestionably believed what he said he saw. Then there is Rachel Jeantel, black, under educated, lower socio economic bracket, and combative, who was on the phone with Trayvon when Zimmerman began his attack. His last words "get off of me". But yet Ms. Jeantel is viewed as not being truthful, little credibility given to her testimony. Question - why would she disclose Trayvon calling his stalker a "creepy cracker" and then lie about the last words out of his mouth. My heart is heavy today. As though this young man has been murdered all over again. Where are we in this country when it comes to justice. Are we blind to the reality that young black men and boys are viewed as expendable in this society. And lastly, what exactly did Mark O'Mara mean when he stated if his client were black, "he never would've been charged with a crime." Did he mean black on black crime is so acceptable that it would have been no big deal. Or, is the meaning of his statement how dare you charge a white individual for killing a black kid. Either way it makes a statement as to where their head is and was during this process and I am sure they share their client's mindset. The arrogance amazes me. The part that scares me most about this, I don't know where Zimmerman will end up living and I don't know how many more Zimmerman-like folks now feel justified to shoot first and then make up an acceptable lie later. I fear for the young black men that have a target on their back just for being black. Bottom Line: Zimmerman is a liar and a murderer. And he will murder again and, lie again. This is a sad time, it says that as a country there is little respect for life and even less for justice. 1.http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com